I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I stole a fireplace last night.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
