so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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