I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
