I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
