I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
