Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
