my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
