saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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