I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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