On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I think I am morally bankrupt
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
