No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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