So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
