The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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