Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
