I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
