What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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