I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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