the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
