the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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