There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
