Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
