someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
