A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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