You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
