Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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