9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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