HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
