Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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