Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
