It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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