I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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