she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
