Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I deserve this hangover.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
