i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
