I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I deserve this hangover.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
