I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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