Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I wish I only lived at night.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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