i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
