I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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