i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
