Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize