Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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