I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
