If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
