He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Randomize
