Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
