ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
