i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
