She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
