but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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