he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
