One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Randomize
