I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
