Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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