The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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