So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
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