Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
