my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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