Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
